#63: States, Identity, and Why You’re Not Stuck

A coaching client asked me recently, “How were you able to move through so many different lives without fear?”

He was talking about law enforcement, the military, corporate, investing, traveling the world, living between countries, owning a nightclub, starting coffee shops, becoming a life coach, and building Try Life On. Some of those worked. Some didn’t. I’ll explain below.

But that wasn’t really his question. He was actually asking how to change his life because he felt stuck in the one he was in. And if that’s you right now, this is the simplest way I can explain it.

You’re not stuck in your life.

You’re stuck in a STATE you keep returning to. 

What I Realize Now

Looking back at my 20s, 30s, and 40s, I see something now I didn’t understand at the time. I had parallel lives and careers as a police officer, military federal agent, and a corporate executive, while also building investments, opening businesses, traveling, and being a father. It didn’t follow any traditional path.

I wasn’t trying to build some unconventional life or consciously design a new identity. I was simply following what I’ve always trusted, my own internal gut feeling.

I would feel a pull toward something, get a sense of it, and want to try it on. Just my natural instinct. I would step into that state and live in it. If it felt right, I stayed. If it didn’t, I left.

Now-a-days I do this consciously.

What That Actually Looked Like

Take policing as an example. I first felt that state around 2004 or 2005 when working as a federal agent and did a search warrant with local police. There was something about being in the local community, wearing that uniform, and operating at a neighborhood level that stayed with me. Federal agents tend to sit behind the desk a lot. I wanted to be with local people I could impact.

That feeling didn’t go away, so I followed it. I went through the academy and graduated in 2009. From that point forward I lived in that state for over a decade. It became part of my identity, something I returned to every day.

And then it didn’t fit anymore.

By 2021, I no longer felt like a police officer. The identity ran its course, so I left that state, even after 15+ years of living in it.

Same thing happened with corporate. I was at Accenture from 1997 to 2021. That was a long-standing identity that shaped how I thought and operated. But eventually that state no longer felt aligned either. So I left that as well.

Funny thing is this is happening with real estate investing too.

When a State Doesn’t Fit

Now contrast that with owning a nightclub in Washington DC.

That came from a completely different place. A friend was doing it and I decided to try it. I invested, became an owner, and stepped into that world. From the outside, it looked great. From the inside, it started to feel off pretty quickly.

Six months in I could already feel it. I didn’t like the environment or business model. Selling expensive alcohol to young people who couldn’t really afford it didn’t align with how I think about money or responsibility. We were selling $140 bottles of vodka and kids where buying it on credit cards. That bothered me.

There were parts I enjoyed. Friends would come by. People from my police and corporate worlds would stop in. That part felt good. But the core of it didn’t. So I started planning an exit.

I stayed in it for about two years, but I knew much earlier that it wasn’t a state I wanted to live in long term. So I left. Just because you can step into something doesn’t mean you’re meant to stay.

Recognizing the Pattern, Allowing Change, Forming Identity

In reflection, I see my own pattern.

I would feel a state, step into it, and let the experience tell me if it fit. If it aligned, I stayed and went deeper. If it didn’t, I left. Some states lasted few years, some decades. But none were permanent.

This is where I believe people falter. They return to or stay in states that no longer align. That’s the stuck feeling/mid-life crisis I think folks go through. My superpower is I never did that. I follow my instincts to inhabit or leave states equally.

That’s how change actually happens.

It’s not usually a big, dramatic decision. It starts much smaller. You feel something, you move toward it, and you spend time in it. Then, over time, you notice what you return to.

That’s the part that matters.

The state you keep coming home to is the one that becomes your identity. Not the one you visit once, but the one you choose again and again until it feels natural.

What people sense in me is my willingness to follow that internal signal, to try on a state, and to keep or release it based on alignment. That’s how identity forms. You stay in a state long enough, it becomes who you are.

But you don’t have to stay there once it no longer fits.

Where I Am Now

Today, my state is different from anything before it.

I’m not chasing the next thing. I’m not building for the sake of building. I’m not looking for more deals or more places to be. I like what I’ve created.

My life now is boutique by design.

I split my time between Maryland and Lebanon. My days are simple and intentional with time in the gym, time in nature, time with family, time with close friends, time with the community, time on passion projects like executive producing. I've detached from things and relationships that no longer serve or feel right.

I work when I want to. I contribute where it feels meaningful. There’s space in my days that didn’t exist before and I refuse to allow my calendar to be full of ‘stuff’.

My current state is not building. It’s occupying what's already built.

I’m living inside the life I spent years creating.

At the same time, new states are still emerging. Over the past year with my parents’ health, I can feel a new one forming around taking care of them and helping them live more intentionally.

You don’t stop moving through states.

You become more aware of them.

If You Feel Stuck

If you feel stuck it’s not because your life can’t change. It’s because you keep returning to the same way of being.

Most people stay in identities long after they’ve outgrown them, not because they have to, but because they stop listening to that internal signal.

You don’t need a perfect plan. You need to try something on.

Move toward what feels aligned, step into it, and spend enough time there to know if it fits. If it does, stay. If it doesn’t, leave.

That’s how identity changes.

Trying Life On is not just what you do. It’s who you are being while you do it.

Try the state.

Over time the ones that fit will become your life.

– Maurice